You are the most heartless person I know.
I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
To have someone tell me those words
Now, I am that person who’s used to hearing hurtful words.
Used to not receiving comfort texts after a fight
Used to a fight
Used to being treated like a trash
I am that person who just accepts everything
That person who does good things for a bad person
That person who wishes a person to change
It’s that bad now
No, you’re not a knight in shining armor
You’re that bad dream we all want to wake up from.
I don’t even know why I keep on fighting for the thing that doesn’t make me happy anymore. Why do I keep on fighting for the person who makes me cry every single week from disappointment and frustrations? Someone who never even cares how I would feel but throws words at me like I were a punching bag. Someone who never understands me. Someone who would say sentences that would make me feel like I don’t even deserve to be happy, like I’m that one wrong thing in his life. What is wrong with me?
I think when someone you care about tells you that he didn’t want to talk to you because you ruined his day, that’s it. You should pack your bag and leave because it’s downhill from there. I know that, but why can’t do anything with that information in mind. I’m a hopeless case.
I had the most peaceful day last Saturday. It was just with my bed, my laptop and myself. Except for the times that I was talking to you, you never crossed my mind. It felt so refreshing to not be constantly reminded that I will never be good enough for someone.
I had been struggling since I woke up today, confused as to what to do today, stay in the dorm and continue this good feeling or go out, see you and risk the happy vibe I earned from yesterday.
I went anyway. It was good, until I started thinking again. I really don’t want to point things out again because I know you would interpret it as pang-aaway but I just have to because it’s better that you know. But then I realized, I have been saying the same thing since the time you changed and nothing changed back ever since. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe you were doing it intentionally so I would change my mind and just let go, or maybe you were just so busy doing something. I’m just scared to ask you which.
If I could just have a peace of mind with you. If I could just feel good about this. If I could just stop thinking. If I could just ignore the indifference. We’d be really happy.
A week without proper sleep T_T. I’m super exhausted but I don’t want to vent on someone. I just want to stay quiet here in my little corner, drink hot choco and be excited about the coming weekend :3. I can’t even think properly right now. I don’t have energy to be pissed off or whatever.
I just want to rest. -_-
Sometimes I just wanna show you that I’m not going to be here always so you better make up your mind, and fast. But the thing is, I’m always gonna be here until I could. Even if you don’t appreciate me. Even if I feel anything but important. Even if I’m just a second choice. I just don’t want anymore to be that person who gave up so easily. -_-